| rism |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|09:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tycho | ] |
sometimes i just lay here and think about everything and i close my eyes and just keep typing because it doesnt matter what i say or do it just matters what is going on inside my head and everything is running around and whizzing by so fast and i dont know what to do im so scared and i need advice im tired of giving it i just want good advice. if i could just take my own or just go somewhere else for a while. |
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| call me out to play |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|12:29 am] |
I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect.
to those of you with the ugliest hair ever:
don't let me forget to tell you the indian joke.
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| ladies and gentleman |
[Jun. 17th, 2007|12:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | everything | ] |
it's been a good day.
i love being loved
and loving
just being held
and holding.
getting covered with kisses and compliments.
to erase the nonsense from mind for a moment
and realize the care spilling on me perpetually.
i'd like someday for my own thoughts and words to be in a song.
and be the singer sometimes.
to swim in the satisfaction of singing and the happiness of being heard.
to imagine beautiful places
it's funny because i googled 'beautiful places' and there's not much to look at really.
my mom wore a dress thing with spandex underneath. it was cute.
we looked like each other for a minute.
and i could finally compare the likenesses i see in myself of her.
she doesn't really impress me that much, i suppose she is suppose to, she's been through a lot, but there are some things i think that should just disappear from her personality net. i love her. i don't mind it that much actually.
r.i.p riley
beloved puppy
taken from our outstretched hands too soon.
to riley.
i love my friends. you know, the ones you know who will be right there even if we don't hang out that much. well, i hope they will. i don't really feel like i have a set group of friends. and i like it that way. i have a badass friend that i chill with a lot, and i have a spectacular boyfran, but i know that all those people i may dislike sometimes and may not agree with, will still be the ones motioning for me. signaling me to any normalities they may have to offer. to how they live their lives. for me to simply be hanging with them.
hanging.
what an absurd word with such an absurd definition.
it's astonishing what is considered a word.
if i become an english teacher, that would be amazing.
i don't know what else i could be.
i could definitely work in an office.
i could be a professor one day.
that guy in knocked up is hilarious.
you know, the main character.
found this old bracelet i got on this river on the border of georgia and tennessee i think.
when i went white water rafting. some guy made them and was selling them at the shop for 50 cents.
best purchase i've ever made.
i can't wait for jonathan's birthday.
or minez.
or anyone else's birthday in august.
fiesta time.
i want to do something really cute.
i know what i want to get him.
im pretty sure i give the best gifts.
i think i can be nice sometimes.
but that's based off of previous experiences,
how do we know what were like if it's bad to draw a conclusion from things only from the past? we have to take a step forward in order for us to really allow the revealing of ourselves.
i hate the past.
memories are everything. the good ones and the bad onea and there's nothing we can do about it.
we can say we want to forget and don't care, but we do and we can't help it. i guess it's just in our heads.
end the paralysis of memories.
i wanna wake up early in the morning and wear bright colors and be loved again like today.
that's what summer is about.
spending your time with people you love, the sun, and wearing bright colors, and being thirsty, losing our inhibitions, feeling finally what we have missed because of being in school.
we have finished learning, and now it is time to observe and relax.
sounds about right.
phones are ridiculous.
i hate getting off of them when you feel like the other person is mad at you.
because you cant just call them 422691237846 times. and i know that.
i just hate that. but aometimes i want to call a trillion times. and tell them a trillion times how much i love them.
my hasty attempts to explain the magnitude of my feelins are feeble.
i have felt many things before, some more than others, but i love the way i feel now.
i love it all.
the contentness and peace.
where i am, seems out of context.
i am a visitor here, i am not permanent.
and the only thing keeping me...
my father will be at work for father's day but i wrote him a letter and packed it into his workbag
and we all signed some cards. we even have one from all the cats and dogs.
happy fathers day dad.
i hope my fumbling of words is of some significance and that my meager approach is somewhat significant as well.
i hate people who are obnoxious.
especially when you feel like youre surrounded by obnoxious people in a movie theatre.
i like scary movies too.
they don't scare me that much.
actually- i take that back.
i can't watch scary movies by myself.
i only watched hannibal rising by myself for like a fourth of the movie. i wanted to watch it with someone else.
i like what i hear when dashboard confessional is on.
it's the soft low-toned singing reverberating through the air that im listening to, drifting from the driver's seat.
happy.
to those of you who may never forgive me-
i forgive you.
goodnight and good luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2007|02:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake... | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bright eyes | ] |
click for magic |
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| ... |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|06:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | clickity click | ] |
my heart is with him.
i just wish he would realize that he's the only one who has it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2007|12:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Mars Volta | ] |
i just cannot sleep.
the words stop sounding like my own when i know you're there, so i am going to pretend there's no one here but me. i'm waiting for my laundry to dry so that i can go to bed. i've been messing around on the computer, resisting the goosebumps invading my skin in waves.its 12:31, and i wouldn't mind sliding under my covers and drag my face quietly from the pillow and listen to the air conditioner sleep and finish up the trifles in my mind and think about things that i haven't thought about in a while.
just, i don't know, because. silence.
there's a difference between comfortable and empty silence. comfortable silence is knowing looks and holding hands under the table and things previously said so that you just don't need to speak right now. empty silence is why are you still here i have nothing more to say to you so please go away already. i don't want you to grow tired of me, because i certainly am not tired of you. it's actually the contrary, and that's why i'm still here. maybe it's just a matter of time and space : knowing when to speak and when to listen and when to just crawl under your covers and sleep soundly, but alone.
i still cannot sleep.
on another note, i'm learning that i can't control everything, that some things are beyond even my wildest imagination, that so many surprises are along the way. the silly questions im always asking myself about the future are unanswerable at this moment, and i should be asking myself, what am i going to do today?
i can prepare for the future, i can imagine what i'll be doing in 5, 10, or 20 years, and i can hope that i'll be prepared, but first i better be ready for right now because the things i'm doing right now matter,
i don't have to grow up right now, and i just don't want to either.
while it may seem charming and ideal to remain childlike & wonder-filled, there is something faulty in the notion of forever. there is nothing charming about pretending everything is okay. there is nothing ideal about shunning responsibility. but i won't know what to do when i have to grow up. i don't know how to establish my own desire for a world where simplicities are beautiful and everybody can do anything with the reality that even though there are some days filled with nothing but gloom and sometimes our favorite people let us down, we still keep going.
i know i am on my way to somewhere good, but i'm scared of going there alone.
i hate making my room messy and cleaning it up again. and i hate it when my left eye starts to burn. i wish the leaves would rustle so i could feel as though my ear was against a sea-shell, and i wish the debris on the driveway would move so i could hear a quiet rain. i always think such intricate, pointless thoughts during these hours. maybe this is when my brain is at its maximum operating capacity.
maybe....
its almost 2. i feel better.
i think i can finally sleep now.
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| hey hay hee |
[May. 14th, 2007|07:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | mediocre. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Slim Thug, T.I, Bun B | ] |
things are settling down finally.
im almost completely content.
my friends are an entire different category-
i want to hang out with them like i use to but i can't keep smoking and drinking all the time, im trying to save for a car and for everything else and i work so much because of that.
i dont want them to feel like im abandoning them or something and it's extremely frustrating when they think they know what i do on the weekends like im some kind of predictable back-stabber. they don't even bother to ask sometimes. i love them so much i just wish it were easier to slow down the old life i use to have... its a bitter realization i have come to but, im glad i finally came to it..
enjoyable things these days that i ACTUALLY LIKE:
1. cooking with my mom
2. reading
3. reading poetry
4. going to school
5. pay dayyyyyy--- duh.
6. taking very long showers.
7. playing with mah boyfrien.
8. jogging
9. waking up in the morning
10. befriending my enemies
11. shows and concerts with mallorina.
12. walking down the hall and have everyone stare and/ or glare.
unenjoyable things these days that i DON'T LIKE:
1. talking on the phone when there is no talking.
2. people not smiling
3. judgments made about me.
4. the wars between boys
5. my dumbass brother.
6. laundry
7. girls and their hussy paws.
8. my shitty cellphone.
9. music i can't dance to, when i want to dance.
10. being tall.
11. mrs. wilfer. that boring asssss hoe.
12. my comforter on my bed, that keeps moving.
so aside from all that-
i think it's safe to say to myself:
"hey,
nothing is as bad as it seems- chill the fuck out- don't worry- and good things will come to you.
OH-
and don't forget:
i love you so much. |
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| something or another |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|12:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blind | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the smiths | ] |
what i want is to be needed.
what i need is to be indispensable to somebody
who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time.
my ego.
my attention.
somebody addicted to me. a mutal
addiction. |
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